Just very sad.

09/05/07

Tomorrow will mark four months without mom.

That’s a very long time. And yet, it seems that just yesterday she said to me "טוב רה-רי, אני אדבר איתך מחר" (“Okay Re-ri, I’ll talk to you tomorrow”) But she never did.

I think that sometimes I’m okay, but the truth is, that I am not, and will never be. I have a huge void and nothing could fill it. No dad, not even a boyfriend. Mom was such a big part of my life that it is only natural that she left a huge crater behind. Of course I am living the day to day life, of course I can laugh, of course I can do things, but it is very clear to me that the beautiful amazing spirit that is not here anymore made my life a whole lot more fun. It was just fun to call mom and tell her about stuff. Show her pictures. Laugh together. Listen to her. It was just fun. And I still need that.

I never believed in anything. My set response for the question of God was that I was raised secular but I really had no idea if there is anything greater. Well. I’ve made a conscience decision to strike that silly answer out. If you’ll ask me now, I’ll tell you that of course I don’t know if there is anything greater or if we continue after death. No one really does. But, I CHOOSE to believe our spirits continue to exist in one form or another—I choose it because I need to know I will be with mom one day.

And until that day, I vow to try and enjoy life as much as mom did. At the moment it is very difficult. But I will try my hardest to enjoy something every day.

I’ve been trying to find something good about these past two weeks, and the things I came up with are that
-My dad came to visit me on Sunday and Monday, and that was just so nice.
-I watched over Erica’s and Matt’s cute cat and she went from being terrified of me to loving me
-The weather was perfect today.
-I get some studying done.
-I enjoyed the free egg salad sandwiches at our Noon Conference today.
-I was a “neshama” (LOL! Dad would understand that one)
-I chose fabrics for the next quilt. It will be very cute.
-I decided to buy a TV after this year is over…

So no, I don’t like cardiology very much. I don’t like the hospital at the moment. Heck, to be completely honest—my life isn’t the most thrilling thing at the moment, and it is mostly lonely here. But, this is not any different than my normal ranting. I will get out of this rut. I know I do enjoy at least one thing every day, and there are plenty days I enjoy more than one thing. Life is precious, and I know that. I really do. It’s just that it is hard to be really happy again.

I will be on call tomorrow night and I just wanted to jot this down before tomorrow.


Reut



That's what I think of when I think of Bet-Herut's cemetery. I KNOW mom would have loved them!!!